Need Conceal & Carry Law for Tampons

Some things can only happen in Texas (one of my least favorite states – a state I probably would never have visited if my sister had not lived there for so many years). Confiscating tampons is one of those things.
by Charlie Leck

Texans have often talked about seceding from the Union. Most of the time, in response, I’ve raised a glass toward the state and sung out loud, “So long, it’s been good to know you!”

One of my favorite columnists – whose columns I rarely miss – is the Washington Post’s Alexandra Petri. She is a satirist with an immense sense of humor. She’s also a marvelous writer. Her column Friday (12 July 2013) was titled: Security at Texas legislature confiscated tampons, let guns go! (The exclamation mark is mine. I thought it was needed.)

Here’s one paragraph from the four paragraph column…

“Among the latest updates from the Unwanted Texas Efforts To Pass Stringent Anti-Abortion Legislation came the gem that the state senate security was confiscating tampons from spectators entering the gallery to watch debate on HB2. Guns, of course, were still allowed in the gallery for those with concealed carry licenses. The difference between guns and tampons is that if you walk into a crowded locker room waving one of them aloft, every man there will run away screaming in fear for his life, and if you walk into that same locker room with the other one, everyone will just shrug and say, 'Oh, hi, Gilbert Arenas.’”

Believe me, you can read the entire column in a minute, so (this time) take my advice and have yourself a chuckle. You might also get hooked on Ms. Petri’s work.

As for the Texas state legislature, they’ve gone and passed a skunky, stupid anti-abortion bill. They are still cave men down there. One of those cave men, Texas Governor Rick Perry, has promised he’ll sign the bill.

Geez, I hope the Cowboys finish last in their division in the NFL this coming season!

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Take Texas Again

The thought of Texas leaving the Union is something to which I have given much time. Can you imagine what it would be like?
by Charlie Leck

There’s been another call down in Texas for the state to withdraw from the Union. It happens every time Texas gets spanked in an election. Texas is too big for its britches. Frankly, I wouldn’t give a damn if Texas left the gathering of states. Perhaps it could petition for inclusion in Mexico.

 I wrote about this very thing a number of years ago, so I won’t do it again. You can read it here, if you want to: Take Texas: Please!

 This time the idea comes from the treasurer of the Hardin County Republican Party. It was first reported by the Fort Worth Star Telegram. The letter of the party treasurer, Peter Morrison, included the following….

“Texas was once its own country, and many Texans already think in nationalist terms about their state. We need to do everything possible to encourage a long-term shift in thinking on this issue. Why should Vermont and Texas live under the same government? Let each go her own way in peace, sign a free trade agreement among the states and we can avoid this gut-wrenching spectacle every four years,”

 

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TAKE TEXAS, PLEASE!

If I had my druthers, I’d let them go!
by Charlie Leck

So, Governor Rick Perry of Texas was making not-so-subtle little threats about seceding from the Union! I think he expected most of us to get upset as hell. Governor Perry, the concept didn’t threaten me at all. As a matter of fact, sir, I’d volunteer to be the one to cut the umbilical cord and let you go or I'll cut the ribbon at your grand opening as a totally independent nation with no ties to the United States of America. Bad knees and all, sir, I’d do the jig the day you were independent. Hooray!

Then I’d urge we build an immense fence (electrified with ultra high power, of course) all along the border with Texas and that we patrol said borders with armed soldiers and vicious dogs in order to keep out illegal aliens from Governor Perry’s new nation.

As a nation, we’d save a fortune without Texas as a part of the union. That state gets back far more in federal benefits than the total amount of taxes it pays in.

Shoot, there are all kinds of problems we’d be rid of without Texas as a part of the union. First-off, we’d be able to become a nation of one language again. I never could master that garbled mess they talk down there in the lone-star state.

Then, you realize, we'd be free of at least 80 percent of the political slight-of-hand and corruption that we see in Washington all the time. Goodbye Karl Rove. Whoopee! And with him go dozens of other scoundrels.

I think we’d then also be rid of about 75 percent of the religious nutcases in the nation. In religion, as in most everything, Texas takes things to the extreme and, often, way beyond.

Then, we’d be done with the biggest damned bunch of complainers in the nation, too. Complain, complain, complain! They bitch about everything and anything. Okay, I say, let ‘em go off on their own and we’ll see how they do. Just make sure they’ve got to purchase expensive visas if they want to visit and don’t grant them any student visas or temporary work visas.

Texas will be left with the University of Texas while we’ll still have Harvard, Yale, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Stanford, Northwestern and about a hundred other of the best Universities in the world. If any Texas students want to come to America to study, double their tuition and hit ‘em with heavy federal taxes.

I can’t think of any reason why I’d ever want to go to Texas to visit. It’s not safe to drive there. They basically don’t know how to eat. There isn’t a city worth a lick. Most Americans feel the same way and we really could prohibit travel to Texas and no one would give a damn.

And, oh, yes, Texas, you don’t get fly-over privileges either. Want to get to Toronto or Montreal? Sorry, you’ll need to go around the long way. There will also be exorbitant landing fees if you want to fly into any American -- get that? AMERICAN -- city.

And don't forget this? George W goes, too. We insist! How do we resist a deal like this?

Within five years, Texas would be back, on hands and knees, begging for readmittance to the union. Screw ‘em, I say.

Yup, the more I think about it, this might be the best thing that ever happened to the nation.

Kiss off, Texas! We're tired of your whining and bitching!