My Sincere Apologies to the South

I mean this, my southern friends, I’m very, very sorry for mocking your politics and social customs. We, in Minnesota, have no room to talk.
by Charlie Leck

This Mississippi River flows from here on down into the deep south. I hope the garbage that leaked out into the streets of Minneapolis yesterday doesn’t find its way down river to you folks; for it’ll rot all your crops for sure.

A friend, and reader, down in Athens, Georgia, got on me pretty hard several months ago for my constant criticisms of the deep south in America. I pretty much was calling them rubes and imbeciles – ignorant and simple folks with no political or social sophistication. It’s amazing that this distinguished and bright fellow in Athens has kept reading me.

This morning, to him and to other good folks all across the south, I offer a sincere apology for the things I’ve willingly said. I had no right, or “call,” to say those things about any of you down there – especially when you consider we, here in the far northern state of Minnesota, are just and as completely bad.

Sarah Palin was in town yesterday and she and Congresswoman Michele Bachmann put on a big hoe-down in Minneapolis. The joint was rocking – even to Bruce Springsteen music – and the crowds were raucously happy to be there to hear two of the dumbest, damnedest and dingiest women in all of America.

There was also some really square music from a group called the Go Fish Guys. They really suck, man; yet, the crowd was into them and applauding as if they were one of the nation’s top rock groups. The all wore athletic jerseys proudly stitched with the number 10 – for the ten commandments, that is. They played really funky stuff; like, “Jesus is my Candidate” and “Hoist Obama to the Cross.” Of course, I’m just kidding about the tunes. I didn’t recognize any of the crock they sang. Their songs all had to do with mom and apple pie and the flag. They also proudly proclaimed that they were spreading the gospel of Jesus, indicating that they were not working hard to get the Jewish or Middle Eastern vote.

Here’s part of my apology. I humbly admit that my very own Congressman was in attendance and spoke to the crazed crowd. He revealed himself to be a Tea Party backer. Congressman Eric Paulsen ripped Washington. Then, a host of Minnesota’s Republicans paid homage to the two witch-ladies leading the rally. Even our Governor got up there and foamed at the mouth in a disgusting and disingenuous way. He called Palin and Bachmann “two great leaders” and got a wildly happy reaction from the crowd.

My dear, fellow southerners, we’ve got thousands of people up here who think Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman are the cat’s meow.

And, I humbly apologize to all of you for this utter foolishness. I am deeply sorry.

Bachman rose to speak. The crowd went nuts. The Congresswoman from the 6^th District said, “Take that liberals!” The applause and cheering rolled across the arena and spilled out on to the streets of one of America’s most liberal and progressive cities. The smell of crap leaking out of the arena was disgusting, but the people inside were loving it. The more bullshit they were fed the louder they screamed and the more joyous they became.

It was really disgusting.

“We own this country,” Bachman proudly chanted to the faithful, urging them not to worry about a thing.

She, the big, loud mouth from the 6^th District, even accused liberals of “messing with God.”

Then Mrs. Palin addressed the crowd and told us how proud she was to be in Minnesota, the Land of 10,000 Lakes, “where you’re proud of your guns and religion.”

Honest to God! I’m not kidding! That’s actually what she said to us – to bright, intelligent, caring, honest and hard-working Minnesotans.

And, Mrs. Palin praised the glorious Tea Party. She evidently likes their rowdiness, their anger and their threats of violence against good and loyal Americans.

The former vice presidential candidate looked out on her virtually all white, older audience and told us how proud she was to be in a state that would elect people like Michele Bachmann.

I swear to God: I am not lying to you. Bachmann and Palin couldn’t stop praising each other. It was a wild love fest and the audience thought it was great.

I’m sorry to you, my southern friends. As bad as you are about your politics, we’re even worse. We’re the state that sent Michele Bachman to Washington and now we have Tim Pawlenty out roaming the nation, acting like a whore, trying to sell himself to weak Republicans who just might just make the mistake of trying him out.

I can’t say more. I’m terribly sorry about the things I said about you. I won’t ever bad-mouth you again.