Thursday, July 10, 2008

Jesse is Big in Minnesota

He's as famous as they come around here!
by Charlie Leck

He's brazen as all get-out! That other Jesse, down in Chicago – you know, the one who's been talking about Barack Obama's genitals – would probably say our Jesse up here in Minnesota's got brass balls and all.

Absolutely! Some might even call him crazy or deranged. The things he did and just about all of it to build a glorious or infamous reputation! Oh, my! Those who have called Jesse crazy, arrogant, bullyish, dangerous and fool-hardy got it all right. You could throw in another half-dozen or so other adjectives and you'd not have to worry about hyperbole – reckless, dodgy, crackers, browbeater, idiotic, and indolent.

Jesse also hung around with a pretty large group of questionable characters. They were chums who would do about anything that Jesse asked. Most of them deserved what they got – a long, agonizing amount of time in prison. Well, that's what you get for hanging around with Jesse.

You know about that 7th of September stunt he tried to pull off here a few years back, don't you? Crazy as a loony-bin! That's Jesse for you.

Folks who knew him real close are fond of describing their conversations with him.

"Spits when he talks," Charlie Pitts told one of his jailors, "and he over-talks a lot. By that I mean he talks right over the top of some near him who are trying to say something worthwhile, so the worthwhile stuff never gets heard. If he'da listened up he probably wouldn'ta got in so much trouble."

"Spits a lot," Bill Chadwel, Jesse's long time friend, added to the conversation. "Why he gets shoutin' and spoutin' and it's like you got caught in a dirn' rainstorm."

Hobbs Kerry is also one of Jesse's long-time friends and he had to throw his two-cents worth in as well.

"And his breath was always so bad, too!" Hobbs said. "He loved to laugh at his own jokes and when he roared so hard it got him all choked up and he'd begin wheezin' like an old sow and he'd breathe all over you and 'bout knock you out with that sour stench."

Most of these old buddies were led down the road to perdition by Jesse, but almost all of them would tell you they loved the trip.

"He'd talk so much and so loud," said Clell Miller, "that everyone would begin believin' all that nonsense he was spoutin' and they'da actually foller'd that big bag of wind right down the path to hell."

Miller shook his head and hung it low, showing real signs of shame and disgust. Clell Miller woulda' done anything that Jesse asked of him; yet he finally come around to realizin' that Jesse had skinned him real good.

"You can't believe what suckers those folks in Minnesota was about Jesse," Miller said abruptly. "Why those Minnesota folks believed all that hog manure Jesse was throwin' around at 'em! Jesse would holler and holler and they clap their hands and stomp their feet and go right along with 'im. Can you believe it? Said to 'em one time somethin' about who'd they rather be in a dark alley with – him or that foolish city-slicker Senator fella in Washington? Crowds started shoutin' for Jesse. They knew he was all just a lot of empty blather, but they'd sided with him in a split up second, don't you know?"

When I personally think about what Clell said about Jesse and that dark alley, why I don't think I'd go near a dark alley with Jesse because the man is so crazy and screwed up I wouldn't know what he might do to me.

I'll tell you what, you go saddle up and ride off into the sunset with Jesse, seeking to stake a claim for fame and glory, and you're a probably gonna get yourself in a heap'a trouble. You betcha! He's probably the meanest, dumbest, craziest and wildest feller what ever rode into this here state.

You send that crazy dude to Washington, I hope you get up on your horse an'a ride on outta here with him. We sure don't want you 'round about these parts, no how!"

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