What? What? Aaay, What?

John McCain says: "I know how to win wars!"
by Charlie Leck

Tuesday night, while preparing dinner (a cabbage, walnut, anchovy fettucinne), I heard John McCain's voice coming from the TV out in the living room.

"I know how to win wars," John McCain said. I dropped the knife with which I was chopping the cabbage and tore out into the living room

"What?" I shouted at the TV.

There he was, nervous and spasmy as hell, trying to make a decent speech at a so-called "Town Hall Meeting" just across the border in Wisconsin. He nodded his head vociferously. His hands trembled and there was a twitch in the corner of his mouth. His eyes drifted off somewhere. All signs of someone in over his head!

"Yes," he repeated with emphasis, "I know how to win wars!"

"You stupid, idiotic jerk," I yelled at his visage on the wide screen of our Samsung HDTV. "What war did you ever win, you stupid son-of-a-bitch? Why should we believe you know how to win a f----ing war?"

The house was empty. There wasn't even a dog lying around to hear my explosion – my ranting and raving. I guess we really should get another dog! I needed to be heard!

But wouldn't you explode as well? I mean, after all, John McCain hasn't won any wars. I mean, what war have we won in the last half century? Like, are you counting Granada – that one day wonder battle dreamed up by Ronald Regan? We actually lost a number of men from friendly fire in that little, ill-planned catastrophe. Or, dude, are you thinking of our invasion of Panama to drag their drug-lord military dictator, Manuel Noriega, into a Miami prison? I guess you could count the Gulf War under first President Bush as a victory. Anyway, it was carefully calculated and conservative and it stuck to a simple, achievable mission. That President Bush gets great credit for good management and iron-fisted control of the military in that war.

John McCain, what are you talking about? Are you too heavily medicated? You weren't around for the second Great War. You weren't in Korea. What war did you ever f---ing win? It wasn't Vietnam, my friend (as McCain so sickeningly and constantly says – my friend, my friends, my friends). We got our butt kicked in Vietnam and every historian worth his ballpoint pen knows it; however, what did John McCain have to do with it?

Take a careful look at John McCain! Listen to him carefully. He is basically a loser in everything – except we'll give him great credit for being a heroic, patriotic prisoner of war. John McCain can not lead and he can not communicate. How in the hell is he ever going to win a war? All you need do is watch John McCain carefully during a speech or "town-hall chat" and you'll see that he is in over his head.

How can John McCain say he knows how to win wars? How? How? How?

Thank goodness I didn't throw a pot or pan through the big, old screen on my lovely, new TV.

Now I've got to get back to a sensational dinner I am trying to prepare for my wife – fettuccini pasta with shredded cabbage and sautéed walnuts and anchovy in a roasted tomato-garlic sauce. I'll serve it with dried plums (prunes) wrapped in prosciutto.* I think it's going to be fabulous, but what do I know? – I haven't been going around winning wars like a crazy Senator I know.

*You want the recipe? Send me an email (or a comment) and leave your email for me and I'll send it to you. I will not post your email address in the comment area.

My new cooking efforts have all been inspired by the New York Times article about the Eleven Best Foods You Aren't Eating. The list included cabbage and I'm trying to think of new, exciting ways to serve this difficult item. Let me know if you've got ideas. It also included prunes, sardines, beets, turmeric, frozen blueberries, canned pumpkin, swiss chard, cinnamon, pomegranate juice, and pumpkin seeds.