TAKE TEXAS, PLEASE!

If I had my druthers, I’d let them go!
by Charlie Leck

So, Governor Rick Perry of Texas was making not-so-subtle little threats about seceding from the Union! I think he expected most of us to get upset as hell. Governor Perry, the concept didn’t threaten me at all. As a matter of fact, sir, I’d volunteer to be the one to cut the umbilical cord and let you go or I'll cut the ribbon at your grand opening as a totally independent nation with no ties to the United States of America. Bad knees and all, sir, I’d do the jig the day you were independent. Hooray!

Then I’d urge we build an immense fence (electrified with ultra high power, of course) all along the border with Texas and that we patrol said borders with armed soldiers and vicious dogs in order to keep out illegal aliens from Governor Perry’s new nation.

As a nation, we’d save a fortune without Texas as a part of the union. That state gets back far more in federal benefits than the total amount of taxes it pays in.

Shoot, there are all kinds of problems we’d be rid of without Texas as a part of the union. First-off, we’d be able to become a nation of one language again. I never could master that garbled mess they talk down there in the lone-star state.

Then, you realize, we'd be free of at least 80 percent of the political slight-of-hand and corruption that we see in Washington all the time. Goodbye Karl Rove. Whoopee! And with him go dozens of other scoundrels.

I think we’d then also be rid of about 75 percent of the religious nutcases in the nation. In religion, as in most everything, Texas takes things to the extreme and, often, way beyond.

Then, we’d be done with the biggest damned bunch of complainers in the nation, too. Complain, complain, complain! They bitch about everything and anything. Okay, I say, let ‘em go off on their own and we’ll see how they do. Just make sure they’ve got to purchase expensive visas if they want to visit and don’t grant them any student visas or temporary work visas.

Texas will be left with the University of Texas while we’ll still have Harvard, Yale, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Stanford, Northwestern and about a hundred other of the best Universities in the world. If any Texas students want to come to America to study, double their tuition and hit ‘em with heavy federal taxes.

I can’t think of any reason why I’d ever want to go to Texas to visit. It’s not safe to drive there. They basically don’t know how to eat. There isn’t a city worth a lick. Most Americans feel the same way and we really could prohibit travel to Texas and no one would give a damn.

And, oh, yes, Texas, you don’t get fly-over privileges either. Want to get to Toronto or Montreal? Sorry, you’ll need to go around the long way. There will also be exorbitant landing fees if you want to fly into any American -- get that? AMERICAN -- city.

And don't forget this? George W goes, too. We insist! How do we resist a deal like this?

Within five years, Texas would be back, on hands and knees, begging for readmittance to the union. Screw ‘em, I say.

Yup, the more I think about it, this might be the best thing that ever happened to the nation.

Kiss off, Texas! We're tired of your whining and bitching!