by Charlie Leck
I’m thinking about a trip to this relatively young kingdom southeast of Prague. I think it may be the land of my ancestors. When I read descriptions of the people there, it very much sounds like it. This young monarchy is not to be confused with the nation of Wallachia, which is just immediately north of Bulgaria. To clear the confusion about the two states, I will refer to the Wallachia I wish to visit as The Kingdom of Wallachia.
The Kingdom of Wallachia was founded only in 1997 by Toma Harabis, who is now its current foreign minister. The Kingdom is one of the Czechs’ biggest tourist attractions. Its currency is the Jurvalsar. It has consulates only in the Arctic Circle and in Togo. Its Royal Navy consists of 40 wooden canoes.
The first monarch of the Kingdom of Wallachia was Bolek Polivka, who also happens to be a famous Czech actor and clown. He was crowned as the Wallachian King, Boleslav I, the Gracious Forever. His formal coronation was in the town of Vsetin, in the year 2000, and it was televised nationally and attended by approximately 5,000 people.
In 2002 Polivka was ousted as King, charged with personally gaining from the sale of consulates. Vladimir Zhanel, a construction worker, was installed as the new royal monarch, Vladimir II. Zhanel proved his right to the rule the realm by winning a contest of singing, dancing and a series of unusual and strange “games of the Kingdom.”
Polivka, who sued the kingdom and lost in the courts, contends that the Royal Wallachian Air Force is still loyal to him. It consists of a fleet of five Cessna aircraft that are emblazoned with the official crest of the Kingdom of Wallachia, a gaunt poultry hen falling from the sky. Polivka claims that his air force has totally conquered space and planted plum trees on the moon. (You begin to understand why he was overthrown!)
The uniform of the Kingdom of Wallachia
I am currently talking to lawyers in the Kingdom about issuing my own claim to the throne based on the lineage and the heritage of my mother’s own family. “Charles I, Charming and Mighty” has a nice ring about it, don’t you think? The lawyers, so long as I continue to pay their fees, are very encouraging about the possibility of success. The practices of attorneys in the Kingdom of Wallachia are not dissimilar to those in the good, old U.S. of America.
Wallachians of the Kingdom are a proud people. They boast that they invented hockey. As evidence they display droppings of the sheep of the Kingdom of Wallachia that roughly correspond to the size and shape of a hockey puck. The citizens of the realm are also people with a rich sense of humor and they dearly like to enjoy themselves. Sociologists contend that the extraordinary sense of humor of these people of the Kingdom comes from their former roots as suppressed servants of communism. Their situation was so intense and difficult under that oppressive rule that they had to develop a keen sense of humor in order to survive.
These people are very welcoming to tourists and reports keep coming back from those who have traveled to the Kingdom about what a wonderful time they had.
And, the University of Wallachia is a proud institution even though it offers only one degree – granted by the Faculty of Distilling. The degree requires a passing grade in only one course in both making and drinking slivovica (a plum brandy). I am told it is possible to earn the degree during a brief tourist visit to the University, and you will get to sample some of the school's fine slivovica.
The very distinct culture and dialect of this Kingdom is heavily influenced by the Romanian shepherds. The traditional black shepherd’s hat even graces the official national crest. Unlike most nations, the Kingdom of Wallachia allows visitors easy access to its King, its Prime Minister and its foreign minister. The Prime Minister, for instance, is Olin Kutáĉ, who also runs a pub in a small wooden building in the center of a small forest. Tourist may stop and purchase a glass of the traditional, national plum brandy, and then sing along with him some of the local and dearly loved songs of the region. In the pub, Mr. Kutáĉ proudly displays photographs of himself with Czech President, Vaclav Klaus. Klaus also holds citizenship in the Kingdom of Wallachia.
Prime Minister Olin Kutáĉ proudly shows off photographs
of dignitaries who have visited his quaint, little pub.
The people of the Kingdom call themselves Wallachs. They frequently tell visitors about the Battle of White Mountain, which took place in 1620, when the troops of Prague confronted attacking Austrians. It is said that local troops ran away by the thousands. Only the Wallachs stayed to fight.
George W. Bush was once a citizen of the Kingdom of Wallachia, but he had both his passport and his citizenship revoked after the U.S. invasion of Iraq. What an idea that would have been for my own proud nation! Bush was highly impressed with the system of “telling” the weather within the Kingdom and the former President suggested the system to our own National Weather Service.
"The weather in the Wallachian Kingdom is definitely easy and quick to recognise. All you need is one shoelace (the slower among you may use both shoe laces, if you so desire). Grip the shoelace in your hand (the slower among you may use both hands) and hold it in front of you... Now carefully observe the shoelace for at least one minute (the longer you observe it, the more precise your measure).
If the shoelace throws a shadow the sun is shining...
If the shoelaces doesn't throw anything its overcast...
If the shoelace is moving the wind is blowing...
If the shoelace is moving a lot there is a gale...
If the shoelace flew away there is a typhoon...
If the shoelace is wet it's raining...
If the shoelace is hard it's freezing...
If the shoelace can't be seen it's foggy...
The region in which the Kingdom resides is a beautiful mountainous section of the southeast corner of Moravia. The Kingdom is approximately the size of Luxembourg. It was settled over a period of many centuries by the Vlachs, Romanian shepherds who came from the east, along the challenging Carpathian mountain range.
Travel Brochures of the Kingdom of Wallachia
You can admire unique museums, historic castles and chateau, beautiful nature and primarily the famous folklore, hospitality, cakes called "frgále" and plum brandy. For this purpose we prepared for you [a] series of thematic routes, which will lead you to the most remarkable sights our kingdom can offer and which also will hide everything you should not see.
During your stay you´ll be thrilled by many cultural events - Return of the first Wallachian astronaut from Space, Gathering of spooks at Štramberská Trúba and the like. What is the best way... to see and experience [everything]?
Travel with [a] Wallachian passport 2009!!!
Get this original and unique Wallachian passport and travel with it to the most interesting corners and programs of the Wallachian Kingdom. Discover the mystery of castles, the gone by era in museums, hospitality of cosy little pubs and boarding establishments. During your travel collect stamps, pick up your Wallachian currency "Jurovalšár" - you will save and you can win many interesting "Wallachian [prizes]"!
I’d be happy to have you along. In the interest of full disclosure, my commission from each fellow traveler, which will be paid to me by the Kingdom, will be $7.69 (U.S.). The trip would also include a visit to Prague and my dining expenses, only in that city, would be the responsibility of the other travelers on the tour. My fellow travelers can negotiate that cost among themselves.
We would be transported to the Kingdom of Wallachia by the nation itself, in its bright yellow, naval limousine (of Communist-era vintage).
We’ll spend 5 nights and 4 days in Prague and travel to the Kingdom of Wallachia by bus for three nights and a three full days of sight-seeing around the small Kingdom.
Price of the trip for roundtrip air fare, hotels (double occupancy), tours in Prague, and bus accommodations to the Kingdom of Wallachia will be approximately $4,000 per person. Let me know if you have any interest. Likely time of travel will be in early to mid-September.
A Kingdom of Wallachia passport will also be provided to all travelers in our party. The Wallachs tell us that these passports are greatly admired by everyone who sees them. They are a rich burgundy color and adorned with a picture of the pagan god, Radegast.
The journey will be mainly a dining and drinking affair, to enjoy the great foods of Czechoslovakia and its wonderful drinking and entertainment establishments. Local tours of the city of Prague and its churches and historic centers will be organized for those who are interested (the cost will be extra). I would suggest that the trip to the Kingdom of Wallachia would not be enjoyable to anyone without a rich sense of humor and a taste for brandy.