Made My Sunday Morning

This Sunday Morning was made by a punter in the National Football League – who just happens to play for our own Minnesota Vikings – and it is still 5 hours away from game time as I write this.
by Charlie Leck

It seems that Emmett C. Burns (Jr.) has just gotten told off in a remarkable and definitive manner; and I applaud the young man who stood him up and verbally slapped him into consciousness.

Hooray to Chis Kluwe, first rate punter for the Minnesota Vikings, who wonders how ol’ Burns can possibly be a law-maker when he doesn’t seem to understand the workings of the law or the U.S. Constitution on which it is based.

Now, before reading the letter, you’ve got to understand this about Kluwe. He’s a first rate thinker and a bright, intelligent guy who will not have a problem making a living when his football career is over. Kluwe is a graduate of UCLA with degrees in both history and political science. He’s often teased around the Vikings’ locker room for his perfect score on the verbal SAT test and for his somewhat elevated vocabulary. The punter is also well known for his love of video games and is an avid Guitar Hero 2 player. He plays with a local alternative/progressive rock band called the Tripping Icarus. He’s married and has two children. He often appears on a couple of local radio shows and on them he’s displayed his refreshing and witty sense of humor.

Then, you should also know just a little bit about Emmett C. Burns, Jr.. Mr. Burns is a state legislator in Maryland. He seems a little silly to me. Last week he wrote a letter to Steve Bisciotti, the owner of the Baltimore franchise in the National Football League (the Ravens) and urged Bisciotti to “inhibit” one of his players from freely expressing his mind about a current relevant issue of concern to many people. Burns was upset because one of the Raven’s players had expressed support for gay marriage (an issue on the Maryland voting ballot this November). Burns is African-American and is currently serving his fourth term in the Maryland House of Delegates, representing the 10^th District in Baltimore County. He’s a member of the Economic Matters Committee. He’s my age (72) and was born in Jackson, Mississippi. In addition to his college degree, he has a Master of Divinity from Virginia Union University and another Master of Religious Education degree from the Presbyterian School of Christian Education. Oh yes, he also lists a PhD from the University of Pittsburgh. He is a Baptist minister. He’s on record as having voted against the Civil Marriage Protection Act which would have allowed same-sex couples of get a marriage license. Burns has been highly criticized for using his governmental position to prevent a citizen from expressing his own opinions. Burns stands in opposition on this gay marriage issue with his own Democratic Party platform.

Warning!
The letter below is exceptionally frank and uses some expressions that might offend the delicate of heart – nothing some of our best contemporary writers or our best known classic writers (James Joyce) wouldn’t also have said. Nevertheless, you are forewarned. After having read this letter I will now and forever-after referred to Mr. Burns as Asshole.

Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland's state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):

1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should "inhibit such expressions from your employees," more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, you also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person's right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.

2. "Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement." Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who's "deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland"? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you're going to say that political views have "no place in a sport"? I can't even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for "beautiful oppressionism").

3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you'll start thinking about penis? "Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!" Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won't come into your house and steal your children. They won't magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won't even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I'm fairly certain you might need it.

Sincerely,
Chris Kluwe

P.S. I've also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your "I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing" and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.

I have the urge to say a number of things about the letter and the issue of gay marriage, but I can’t even begin to follow Kluwe – he da man!

Just learn that Kluwe has a blog that appears regularly on the Pioneer Press web site (find it here).

Kick the hell out of that ball today, will you Chris.

_________________________

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